Gather round

Welcome to Adelaide ...

Welcome to Adelaide. Please accept this voucher for your complimentary bread and also this family ticket for the circus, valid any day.

Now you’re here, there’s a few things you should know. Just a few local sensitivities to be aware of so your stay is as pleasant as it can be.

Be prepared for some language difficulties. We pronounce our Es, so best keep that in mind if there’s any confusion.

Try not to ask a local: “So are you Crows or Port?” Many of us are neither so it might cause offence. (The Crows are most definitely not the team for all South Australians.)

The team of two South Australians won the Sheffield Shield recently so be prepared to be ribbed about that while you’re here.

You’ll have heard our Supreme Glorious Leader, err Premier, talk up our cuisine? Our scallops are indeed divine and no they’re not made of potato. Fritz? No, I’m not sure what it’s made of, apologies.

Algal bloom? I’m not familiar with the term. Isn’t it a Nirvana song?

No, sorry, we don’t know where to get a pie floater either.

Or a frog cake. What’s that? No, I’ve never had one, sorry. (So many questions.)

I have had a West End. It’s not that bad you know. Go on, you might like it.

Yes, we know it’s not really a pint. And, yes, we know our schooners are smaller than yours. You’ll cope. (Butchers? Don’t ask.)

Yes, Adelaide Oval (note there’s no ‘the’ in Adelaide Oval) is finished. The open end with the trees and grass and stuff is supposed to look like that.

As you Uber past our suburban ovals do not adjust your eyes – the point posts are red.

And you’ll note local football sides are named from the forwards – we have always valued attack over defence you see.

You have noticed your visa imposes a few minor conditions. While in South Australia you are required to call your ‘banana’ a checkside and any impromptu displays of ‘kick-to-kick’ must be labelled end-to-end.

And yes, this is the City of Churches, but there are no particular religious sensitivities to observe; you might choose to adopt the local custom of genuflecting at the Robran statue.

You will note our main north-south road is King William Rd/King William St/Peacock Rd/King William Rd again. We know it makes no sense. All you need to know is don’t try a hook turn on King William because we don’t do right-hand turns (except at the recent election of course).

We hope these tips will make you feel at home. We so want your validation. Witness how we have our own trams now, have activated our laneways, and even adopted your name for our local league -- and shelved the SAAAAANFULL this weekend to give your Gather Round space to shine.